I heard a lot of talk on the radio yesterday about bullying and I have a few thoughts to share. In my opinion the way to stamp bullying out is to strengthen self esteem and quiet confidence in the bully and also the person being bullied. When each of us can feel naturally beautiful and strong with a sense of purpose, we have no need or desire to gain superficial strength by over powering others.
This can only make the bully feel better temporarily and they will continue to look for another ‘fix’ anyway. It happens everywhere, with adults and kids alike. It does not happen over night. It is taught, followed, learned and nurtured, however unconsciously. Every time we intend to win someone or something over by force or to satisfy a personal need for the feeling of superiority, we are abusing or bullying someone into feeling ‘less than,’ or attempting to make ourselves feel ‘more than.’
Unfortunately for some kids, their experiences with the adults closest to them teach or nurture bullying in some form. This energy can then rub off on their peers if not nipped in the bud. This does not make the bully a bad person. It is the behavior that is inappropriate. The insecurities behind the behavior come from a weakened sense of self and therefore needs to be addressed. Both the bully and the person being bullied will be feeling this weakened sense of self. When one person can look another in the eye without fear that they are inferior or the other superior, equality is a given, fear is dismantled and a kinship is formed.
Bullying is essentially abuse and in my experience it begins with mental, emotional and spiritual abuse. That is, unloving thoughts and views of people, places and events, projected upon others with harsh or fear filled words and actions, with the intent to stir up emotion in someone and destroy their spirit. If not resolved with love and understanding it may lead to physical violence. The scars from the non physical abuse can be harder to find and take longer to heal, especially when the bully or the bullied and their loved ones have suffered for long periods of time. Ignoring or denying any kind of abuse just harbors it and prolongs suffering for everyone involved.
When my Daughter and Niece were being bullied, I found myself supporting them to feel good about themselves without knocking their bullier or making them ‘bad.’ I also added a little Psychic Telepathy to support the healing process for everyone involved. I shared some tips with these two special girls in my life when they were 9 and 15 and they totally understood where I was coming from. They were also brave enough to put these tips into practice. This is the most important and toughest part of the process for the person being bullied but as these girls found out, it was well worth the effort. I admire their brave little spirits as they chose to conquer their fears and not run away from them, especially when they were scared and feeling shakey. With the girls persistance, the bullies began to lose their drive to bully them because the girls no longer gave any attention or energy to the fear of being bullied. Instead they strengthened their inner confidence to the point where the bully no longer saw them as weaker or less than themselves. When one soul can look the other in the eye and see them as equal, it is impossible for bullying to continue. This may become easier to understand when you take a look at my tips. My Niece has had one incidence since with the same people but after a little refresher, she was back to her beautiful, powerful self in no time, even more empowered than before. Please note that physical harm was not experienced in either of these situations and I am not advising you on any of your own personal circumstances. Every case is different and deserves specialist attention. In my daughters case I went down to the school and engaged the usual support systems to keep both girls and their families as safe as possible, while we followed intuitive and methodical processes. My daughter’s bully was a girl two years older than her. My Nieces bully was a girl of the same age as herself.
Whether you are a bully or you are being bullied, you will need to face and conquer some fears to improve the situation. A bully will have to face the areas where they too experience pain and discomfort in their life. This alone is what causes them to feel so out of control and less than, that they need to control and hurt others to make themselves appear more powerful and in control of their life. It is easier to make others feel less than to allow ourselves to feel more than, than it is to raise our low opinion of ourselves to feel we are an equally valuable human being. Especially when we meet someone who seems to stand out to us as ‘having it all.’ It takes a very brave person to do whatever it takes to replace force and abusive strength over others with authentic power over themselves.
Fighting back at a bully from the place of fear only sets you up for a fight another day. In essence it is just bullying them back and hoping they retreat. In reality we don’t want them to retreat because this does not heal the pain that causes their bullying so they will just find somewhere else to channel their frustrations, in the hope (subconsciously) that someone will recognize their call for help. We want them in the open so they have the chance to heal. Retreating causes a ‘win/lose’ situation. Conflict can only be resolved where a win/win result is the aim.
Being kind and compassionate shows others that you care about them, no matter how they are behaving. It also shows them that you can see some good in them if, you will. When you can show people their greatness and encourage their better attributes, they will want to show you more.
Appearing beautiful and feeling physically strong are not enough to help us prosper in life. They are not enough because they are only experienced by the one that chooses them. Deep down we are more authentically beautiful and powerful than we currently know is possible. Authentic beauty and power is much more than make up and muscles. While they are nice, they can also be worn as disguises. Authentic beauty and power is something we share with humanity for the love of humanity, for the love of ourselves as one and the same, and therefore of equal value. It is not limited within thy self. Connect your physical beauty and strength with your inner most authentic beauty and power and you are away 🙂
A bully will usually bully someone that appears to them to be a threat. For example, to have something that the bully perceives they do not have themselves. In the cases of my two girls, it was a (boy) friend that the girls doing the bullying were after attention from. In my daughters case, her bully was also infatuated with my daughter and desperately wanted to be friendly with her but struggled with the attention my daughter was getting from the boy she too adored. The person being bullied needs to understand that they are not being bullied because they have done anything wrong, no matter what the bully tells them. The bullies actions are due to their own internal pain and suffering being unleashed upon others unfairly. When the person being bullied can understand that the bully is feeling weak, vulnerable and fearful of not being accepted and loved as much as others, it becomes easier to feel compassion for the bullies insecurities rather than be in fear of their behavior. When a state of understanding and compassion has been reached for the bullies personal circumstance, a gentler approach and loving resolve becomes possible.
A bully or abusive person needs to dig up a lot of courage to resolve their anger, resentment and hurtful habits. Stepping up in fact requires stepping down and going deep to where the hurt is felt. When they feel like they have been seen for the Soul that they are which hides beneath their pain, a certain level of acceptance has already been reached. They may notice that a space to deal with their pain more appropriately is now available to them, should they choose to go there. It will take a huge commitment to help them feel safe and loved enough to be honest with themselves about their pain and not continue to stand sentry. This is the masculine trait of ‘Protector’ at work. A wonderful trait that is no longer required in this instance.
This is such a huge topic and scenario but I will stop here for now.
The truth is that we may not be able to stop everyone from being a bully, however it is possible to try with one person at a time. We can however strengthen our own self confidence, self direction and self support, so that we are less likely to attract a bully or prolong their abuse toward us.
Here are a few tips I gave my girls. I hope this might help someone else.
* You are not alone with your fears. Your bully may have more fears than you. They are just not equipped to deal with them appropriately. Everyone is scared of something. Running away from what you are scared of does not make it go away and usually it begins to chase you instead. The only way to make it go away is to face it and aim to understand what is really happening. Stay calm and appreciate the opportunity it has given you to find your own strengths and help another person past their own pain at the same time.
* Tell the adults closest to you what is happening and how you feel about it. Perhaps you will have some ideas of how you want to go about resolving it kindly.
- Be honest about what has been said and done by yourself and your bully
- Tell your most trusting friends what is going on and ask them to accompany you so that you are supported while you regain your confidence.
- Prepare yourself before your next encounter with your bully.
- Stay calm
- Breathe slowly and deeply when you think about them.
- Be aware of where and when you usually encounter them and make a plan to behave differently than before. Avoid going into those areas if you don’t need to.
- If you see them, do not approach them. If they approach you, make eye contact and greet them politely and confidently. Look your bully in the eye. They need to know that you ‘see’ them and you are not afraid. This is a strength that gets easier with practice. They need to know that you have no need to avoid them.
- If they speak to you, only respond to fair questions as you would with anyone else. Don’t stop to converse with them, just go about your business.
- Use all these steps when encountering anyone that seems to be friends with or supporting the bully.
- Note For Parents and Carers: Kids have great gut instincts, allow them to share them with you openly, first. You might be surprised that they are not as afraid as you think they are. Allow them to follow their own plan of attack first if they have one. Stay calm and make a plan with your kids. Speak to the school and if you are not satisfied with the support, voice your concerns compassionately for everyones safety. In my experience, there is always three sides to any story, yours, theirs and then there is the truth. Never assume. Being ‘right’ is not always helpful. Getting to the cause as smoothly as possible is more important. The best self defence comes from the inside out and can only be stengthened by the person on the receiving end of the bullying. Allowing kids to deal with the small stuff themselves can be empowering for them. We owe it to them and their future capabilities. Bullying is not nice for anyone and together we can bring it into the open, see it for what it is and heal the pain behind it.
One last tip for parents and kids. The Solar Plexus area is a common place to find a knott, stress and pain within the body. It comes from anxiety and a weakened sense of self. Strengthening the energy centre in this area will help you breathe easier, increase the circulation of oxygen in your body and make you feel better about yourself. When you know how to feel naturally good about yourself you can encourage and show others how to do the same. Bullying cannot survive in this state of being.
Here is a little exercise that everyone can follow. It may help to improve your sense of self confidence, so you feel naturally strong and capable of facing your fears and challenges. You can do this anytime and anywhere, once you get the knack. Try it in a comfortable, quiet space first. You may observe and notice more. Write down what you experience and practice it often. This is how you begin to learn and manage your own energy. I wonder if you will love it as much as I do.
- Focus your attention on your breath, inhaling and exhaling slowly and deeply.
- When you are ready, place your attention in the area of your Solar Plexus, just below where your ribs meet in the centre of your body.
- Visualise a bright yellow light in this area and feel, sense, imagine or think about it expanding slowly and gently to the full width and length of your body. Imagine this golden light radiating brightly and beyond your body slowly and gently, as far as you wish. Feel yourself getting stronger and more energized as you breathe deeply and slowly into this area, unraveling any knots, constrictions and pressures. Stay in this space as long as you like and give the intent to experience a strong sense of self confidence and self support.
- Share your experience and this exercise with your friends. They are worth it too.
Wishing you love and magic always, Natasha xxx