Dear Future Husband
Earlier this year when my 10 year old returned to me after living with his dad in NZ for a year, it didn’t take long for our home to be filled with his ever changing favourite songs. When he came up with ‘Dear Future Husband’ I told him that it was an interesting choice. His response was ‘I know but it’s got a catchy tune and I like it.’ It was interesting in the sense that I had been on my own for a couple of years and his Dad was soon to be wed for a second time. It was this song in particular that had me remind myself and my children to be mindful of what we ask for and what we attract. We openly dissected the energy and words in this song that seemed to be demanding of receiving without giving and expressive of only one side of a two-way street. An important reminder may be to consider what we too bring to the table in any relationship.
I love the little synchronicities that allow my own healing and personal growth, especially those instigated, perhaps unknowingly by my kids and our shared connection to a love of meaningful words and music. So, whenever a song is delivered to me through my littlest one’s voice, I listen up deeply and bring to the attention of both of my children, the messages and my own philosophies in regards to the artists expression. It sparks conversation about expanding awareness to the pro’s and con’s of following a tune (or anything) blindly and what we choose to support more consciously, especially relationships. A couple more of my most well-known favourites, that in perfect time have permeated my ear space from this little one over the last year are ‘Brave’ by Sarah B. and ‘Flashlight’ by Jessie J. Wonderful words, with special meaning and melodies that have brought on the release of tears from a 25 odd year emotional damn.
So here are a few words that have been whispered to me over the years, in particular the last few. These whispers seem to be supported by universal law and allowing them to guide me has seen many a dark conscience driven karma become a thing of the past. I still willingly challenge my securities and insecurities to the point of equilibration, shifting and sifting my beliefs and perceptions until they can no longer hold me or anyone else prisoner on any level.
I have learned much from these whispers and find myself in an ever expanding state of liberty and joy amongst the highs and lows of an unpredictable, vulnerable and important time in my life. I have been re-learning how to dance through life on my own two feet by challenging myself mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. After all, we really do stand alone in our self-contained in-box. My intent is to shine some light on the Voice of the Soul that wishes for us an expanded and more loving reality vs a contracting and disillusioned one. I hope it reminds you too, to find the joy in every moment, including the uncomfortable lessons that serve to return us to humility and love for the simple things in life, like being human and connecting with our brothers and sisters in Humanity without discrimination or pressure, as if we were one and the same…Life partners included!
We begin this journey in life with everything to live for. Opportunities can seem bountiful through the eyes of a child and magnificently so. So what changes as we find ourselves mid-life, professing that we would die for our true loves and loved ones to prove their or our worthiness? Have you noticed that this is exactly what happens when we give up the little things that occupy large spaces in our heart’s? We would do almost anything for others, even give up our deepest desires to make their experience with us more comfortable, giving our sense of acceptance peace of mind over freedom to explore free spiritedness. A little bit of our spirit dies every time we do this L
Being unhitched for a few years may be tough on one hand but the opportunities to put yourself under the microscope to clear out the bugs and irritations come thick and fast. Though painfully confronting at first and seemingly endless at times, a Soul driven reality check can fast track you to feeling whole again if you knuckle down and bring what you do outwards back inside, to be investigated. This can be quite difficult to do while holding on to a relationship that has done its better times, however, imperative to creating a new quality of relationship without the unwanted Deja Vu.
Our most important relationship is with our values, our deepest desires that are valuable to our individuality and identity. Being true to what we each value is high priority. It is an ongoing commitment to the precious Soul that holds these treasures dear. Strong values that remain un-expressed become like guilty pleasures, we feel unworthy of indulging in. The zing in many relationships die out after a short honeymoon period where the trading of values begins to take place. Value trading is like bribery, the energy exchange is inauthentic and out of alignment with integrity of self and others, as someone lowers their ability to receive so another can win a false sense of security in a need to feel unnaturally high or in control.
It is a common trait to deny our nature to fully love being ourselves, without worry of being put up on a pedestal or down in a pit. The very loves that make our hearts beat, we tend to give away amidst the confusion of expectation to keep someone else happy first, as we expect the same loyalty in return.
A daily course of compromise can become a lifetime of unfulfilled wishes, leaving our zest for real love and adventure stifled, on the back burner or for some permanently abandoned and unrequited. And for this the Soul suffers. Some suffer in apparent silence while gradually imploding from their pent up emotions, causing irritability and insurmountable dis-ease within the mind and the physical body. Some choose to extend the suffering not so silently, lashing out at others as if their inability to be true and significant to themselves is no fault of their own.
Where does our joyous, uninhibited child-like energy go? The energy of will so strong it defies the gravitational pull of anything that could bring our spirits down…The energy of seeking to find, in every moment… something, someone to love and play with timelessly… without condition or curfew. You know, your desires to sing, dance, play a musical instrument, explore your own artistic flare, speak up, try a new sport, simply be in the company of like-minded people, study something that makes you tingle and buzz, travel, change careers and more. Our stories leave a trail of excuses that defend our lack of lust for being human and exploring future potential, leaving us feeling increasingly less than and befuzzled. Hmmm. Looking for big love by following someone else around becomes a self-destructive habit that would leave the Soul feeling bored and any close relationship lacking good vibes.
Time to unlock the freedoms bound up in the commitments and responsibilities we have accepted under duress, but first to acknowledge them as such. Admitting the truth behind each choice we have made for ourselves may open up a can of worms that many would prefer to wriggle away from. Instead, sticking it out where it is too bad to stay and too good to leave, mentally, emotionally, physically.
And so in the afternoon of life, on a new journey we must go…Sorting through emotions and memories of the past to find where we gave up the love we already had within for the hope of a greater love from with-out…The many things our partners, parents, children, friends, family, clients, colleagues receive from us may compromise our personal freedoms that only responsibility for self can call back one by one, restoring faith in one’s own Soul and inspiration to guide us now authentically empowered.
An ongoing exercise worthy of time and attention is one that taps into the treasures of personal history, including that of our previous generations. From this we can gather knowledge and recognise the wisdoms that allow our senses to expand to notice plentiful and once invisible love. It also allows us to witness the beginnings of self-destructive patterns that plague our bloodlines and extended families. Patterns of disconnection, ill health and violence passed on by entrainment require each of us to open the mind for retraining and the eyes to expanding the view to a more holistic one. Signs are subtle, present and strategically scattered throughout the experiences we have embedded in the never ending stories of each of our lives. If we read through the chapters, twists and turns thus far we can be enlightened to the drivers of the steps we have taken on our travels, the rewards and the consequences. We can recognise where we have been completely fulfilled of the lessons or left void of the presence of love. We can re-celebrate the sparks of interest that once fuelled the fire of the spirit within our embodied Soul, claiming them back on our return to self-love. There will be clues in our child hood dreams, desires, wishes, goals and behaviours. Most of us will at some level know something or many things that have inspired us to arrive at our current destination. We must keep sight of these things when we find the need to lay blame on others for our past, present and future circumstances.
The lessons that we may see as failures endeavour to expand the barriers of our limiting mind’s, where the fear of self-awareness and total responsibility keep our potential capabilities to love freely, out of reach. From our disappointments we can acknowledge and own our strengths and either accept our weaknesses or develop them for change. Tolerance is a discipline of the mind, a difficult road to take. Tolerating is putting up with a person, behaviour (including our own) or experience that we feel is wrong, denying each of us the ability to deepen bonds and instead growing us apart. Acceptance gives us the ability to let go of controlling our feelings with our mind. Acceptance takes away righteousness and wrongsciousness, integrating that win/win resolves are the only way to keep connections true and strong, irrespective of intimacy level. Anything other than win/win, compromises and distances us from a sustainable future of wellness and joy.
If we don’t resonate with another person’s values, there are only two options. Accept their values fully, love him/her anyway and leave them be, without attempting to mould them into something more acceptable to us. Or, agree to disagree, move on and let them go, to be, do and have their life without us so closely in it. Troubles brew when we expect others to give up their values for us as they are usually based on our own insecurities. Any manipulation cannot bring a harmonious truce, merely a conquering of part of one’s Soul and the breaking of the Spirit within it. This is where a free and loving relationship goes out the window and a controlling, dominating and emotionally clingy, fear filled existence takes the lead. Unfortunately, too many relationships are covered with a cleverly designed shiny mask that appears beautiful and powerful but lacks depth. This quality only comes from emotional maturity and is required for genuine sustainability. Recognising what we each do that denies a good relationship the chance to become a great one, is the key to turning it around. Being a gentle soul is not a sign of weakness and a fighting spirit is not necessarily a strong one.
Conscious relationships have challenges too, however participants are more aware of their response abilities and how to personally develop them. For example; How we respond to another’s expression through communication, action and behaviour. The aim becomes to resolve with everyone’s interests at heart rather than assume, blame, judge and compromise with resentment. Angers and frustrations are still expressed, however more honestly and fairly with the butt stopping at self, responsibly and with care.
When we consciously navigate our relationships we can find ourselves constantly questioning our own motives when things don’t go to plan. If our mind is mapping our journey alone there will many headaches along the way. Challenging neediness and expectations of ourselves and others helps us grow beyond manipulation, immature motives and hidden agendas that only keep shallow connections alive. Letting go of the need for attention allows natural love and attraction to flow you the way, where energetic shackles and chains are not forced upon anyone. An unaware Soul will manipulate others to get their own way and attention, with drama, demands, intimidation and bait. Anger and threats for control over finances, children and superiority are not conducive to a good resolve for anyone, least of all the children we are entraining to become happy, healthy and balanced adults. It is in these experiences we are pushed to either fight for what’s really important to us or to let go for better flow. Be mindful of and real about what is creating more fighting vs more flow. Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes to understand their pain and priorities strengthens the energy of empathy and compassion between you and makes future personal requests more likely to be considered. When people feel ignored they can also feel invisible and insignificant. This state of being can be the instigator of a defensive personality trait that demands attention and importance, protecting the owner from having their insecurities being revealed. Humour may also hide their inability to face personal truths.
When the least dominant partner retreats, they shut off and become child-like. Men can become more like a son that follows his Mum around, waiting for permission to venture out into the world and at the same time, inwardly disrespecting and dishonouring her for the choices and decisions she makes on his behalf that do not support his dormant expression of self. He may even reject her support of his heart felt interests, disallowing her attempts to nurture lovingly and instead magnifying his gut wrenching fear of having his every move controlled by someone else. And still he does not move far from his comfort zone to conquer his communication challenges. The same goes for women actively lessening their value by not being true to or about themselves. Instead, storing feelings of anger and building up frustrations, while denying insecurities, shame, guilt and helplessness for an imminent display of fireworks that could knock a house down, leaving the man in their lives confused, irritated, distant and emotionally unavailable to her. Of course all of these traits are interchangeable and there will be so many more. And then the games begin.
The weakest link will be afraid to be truthful about their desires and will give up their independence to the dominant partner as if surrendering to avoid conflict and feel safe for a little longer. Unable to activate their inner voice they take a lower place in the pecking order that keeps them a slave to receiving only tid-bits of love. They will base their daily choices, words and actions on protecting their partner’s insecurities to keep their own insecurities at peace or out of sight. This is only a temporary measure. Diminishing the spirit of one to raise another is not authentic either way, therefore unable to be truly felt as such. Inauthenticity is soul destroying and dis-ease forming, mentally, emotionally and physically because the true direction of the spirit has been denied. This can happen many times each day in stagnant relationships that include co-dependency and passive aggressive traits. When fear over love takes charge of our priorities, personal gains are received by limiting one party’s freedom and an invisible force field begins to form. Like a barricade, this force field naively protects the owner from the contents of the diary of hurt, shelved in the heart space. It becomes like a damn holding back a river of uncried tears. This is where we get lost, bewildered and dysfunctional.
The solution is simple although not necessarily easy to carry through. Both parties will have a painful history of unhealed memories, mixed up in out dated beliefs, unjustified perceptions and heart breaking experiences that have led them to where they now stand, grappling for a strong hold on their environment and a foot on solid ground to mark their territory and feel energetically supported and capable. Not a sound way to move fluidly through life, instead quite a shaky way to get by. Yes, I have been there and it is the path of the spiritual revolutionary to journey through their own home made maize toward the gateway of greater personal freedoms, encouraging others in their presence to do the same. When we begin to face the fear beneath the human worrier’s suit of armour we can exchange it for the love implanted in the spiritual warrior’s inner strengths and abilities.
A conscious Soul chooses to love what they love about people including life partners and leave the rest alone. Accept or opt out. Tying people down and retraining them to be like us creates two of us and none of them. Not so cool if you think about it like that.
Partnerships of any kind need to be fun. So play! Not games of the mind or tugs of war with feelings, competing with the energy in motion to win over someone else. A state of love and joy may not be possible to hold 100% of the time but it is in the down time that we have the ability to let go of the need for others to provide this for us. Letting go of the expectation for others to conform to ‘our ways’ expands compassion and allows love to move more freely around the planet. When the governing state of a relationship is no longer kind, gentle and nurturing, it can become a game of tit for tat, with blame and shame that magnifies the energetic repulsion of each other. And so the love that two once shared buries itself under the pain of all past hurts and misunderstandings. While the Soul desires to raise this pain to the surface for acknowledgement and to release it from the subconscious, the conscious mind feels under threat and mindlessly attempts to control everything in its sight, in lieu of facing the hurtful truth behind it. When we fail to release misunderstandings and pains from our being, the subconscious that holds them can over power our ability to attract, protect and provide for ourselves in a graceful and balanced way.
My biggest observations have become highlights in my learnings toward more authentically beautiful and powerful relationships including that which I have with myself.
A couple of eye opening and equally disempowering relationship styles I’d like to shine a light on may be confronting for the vulnerable and possibly offensive to some. However, my intent in all that I do is to raise awareness of the spirit that becomes unearthed, as if non-existent in its own human life time. An undiscovered spirit slowly fades away without ever enjoying the fruits of its authentic beauty and power and the Big, Big Love we all yearn for is like the ‘one that got away.’
A kept woman may be seen to have everything but if it is only all that money can buy then she may be kept small and insignificant in her own right. If she plays the life of her dreams by her own rules and explores her own personal potential, then she is a self-kept woman holding her authentic beauty and power high on her list of priorities. Financial support then becomes irrelevant.
A man kept under the thumb of his partner may never know the experience of feeling beautiful, powerful, emotionally honoured, self-directed and self-supported.
When men and women can come together to celebrate their own existence and connection with each other beyond the smoke and mirrors that cloud clear seeing, the relationships we truly seek will be found for the keeping J