This blog was started on the morning of Thursday 28th January 2016
Today I awake with both of my beautiful babies tucked up asleep in my room. Feeling a little emotional and teary at the thought of one of them not being by my side this time next week and most likely being five months til I see him again. I lay there and think about the last couple of years and how much I have learnt to let go of the reins of someone else’s life, including this precious life that I consciously lured into my body and journey. I have let my guard down and allowed myself to be vulnerable… without my own fears and internal drama driving my words and actions toward others. I have broken myself into the smallest of pieces, recognised my shadow self, my dark side and all that has led me to where I now sit….Taking ownership, responsibility and being accountable for all…Good bad and ugly, I accept my challenge…a mission of self- mastery, seemingly impossible mentally and emotionally and still I learn to love more anyway.
I thought about this little boy that I waited a long time to birth…so snuggly, adventurous, kind, gentle, creative, musical and more…precious to me beyond any words, feelings or expression. I wondered why my little 9 year old love bug chose to live with his Dad and a whole new family in another country and not with his Mum and his Sister in Australia where he has spent most of his life. I know that having two options can sometimes be one too many. I did not want to get in the way of my little ones freedom to explore choice and the pro’s and con’s that go hand in hand with self- direction and self- support. It wasn’t easy. If it wasn’t my own fears coming up it was other peoples that became noticeable. Many said to me that he is too young to make his own decisions, kids should be with their Mothers and that I should refuse to let him go and fight like hell. Luckily my time with fighting was mostly done. A conscious decision to pick my fights these days has served me well.
My relationship with the voice of my own Soul has grown louder and more harmonious as I’ve moved out of my once harsh and controlling masculine energy and into a more graceful feminine power. I have seen the heartache many a time, where one parent decided that the children belonged to themselves alone, denying that the children were equally deserving of the love of both parents and each ones unique attention and gifts. Then there are the interactions with new and interesting people as they become part of another Soul’s family. My Soul reminds me that we do not own anyone. We may have our labels of Husband, Wife, Mother, Father, Sister, Son, Daughter, Partner etc. This does not give instant rights to ownership or control of the embodied soul that graces you with the gifts of its presence in your life. We are all brothers and sisters of humanity first. We as humans tend to get too hung up on owning things, people included. This is merely an insecure and immature stage of the ego. This is nothing to be praised or persecuted for. Merely a place along the path of the evolutionary experience between the soul and the ego, with the intention to strengthen their innate and intimate relationship destination. To be Evolutionery is too often expressed as a state of spiritual awareness, however, animal and human kind have been doing it without the awareness of their spirit for donkeys years…in essence, evolution is purely adaption…adapting to circumstances, actions and reactions to survive or to more popularly thrive in the making of a life more pleasurable than before.
My little ones choices on his personal journey may not be about me in the big picture, however, I am part of his experience and my energy and behaviour will most certainly influence his choices as his will mine. While I give the intent that someday my little one and I will see more of each other regularly, face to face, I do not sit and hope that he will come back to live with me to satisfy any need of my own. I do not beg, fish or practice my drama skills (as once I would have). Instead I empower us both together and individually on a daily basis to make choices that feel right energetically…moment to moment as we feel serves everyone involved even better than before. This has proved to be a lonely road, however I wouldn’t change a thing. Sometimes these choices initially bring anger or tears… it goes with the territory…a terrain designed to discover your inner strengths and resources to transform fears into love. Real love is like a gentle man’s agreement…it is a knowing through the windows of the soul that unlocking the heart muscle to allow equality beyond ego and drama must take propriety. Otherwise the energy surrounding your fears sit ungrounded…unsupported, in transit, in your con’-science…awaiting the attention of your awareness and for you to act upon it Soulfully …. Conscious love is making choices that deepen love over time, enveloping everyone and leaving no one out of your heart and arms for the hug of a lifetime. A hug that will create a magical bridge over the troubled water that ebbs and flows within each of our precious bodies…. A hug infused with truth and acceptance, that can heal all misunderstandings and allow each to ponder our connectedness and unlimited capabilities and to go beyond the call and duty of care. Our challenges through feeling over committed to others wants and needs have frustrated, confused and entrapped us in a life of fear long enough… and so it is time to build a new breed of warrior within all of us…man, woman and child alike…. If everyone is to be included, we must cherish the lessons and the love from each experience equally and honour them like treasured friends, guides and mentors.
The journey of life is like a confidence course… There will be fear for sure. Dismantling fear with your loving breath and patience increases the Universes ability, to surprise you with a course of miracles, should you choose to embrace it as such…. When our minds are set on being right, there can be little hope to move into happiness and bliss, for there is no openness to change out of this state…Change requires moving the ego’s boundaries…the barriers that protect our beliefs and inhibit our awareness and understanding from expanding into less restricting realities. When we are ‘set’, we are stuck in a state of limited possibilities and are determined that our beliefs are the ‘be all and end all.’ This in affect is a fear filled way of living and one that nurtures dis-ease…within every cell of our being. Challenging our beliefs, securities and insecurities will serve us well as nothing is for certain either way. It is only the mind that promotes a sense of security vs insecurity and each of us will have a different opinion on each individual idea to be considered here. Our goal is to master our mind and open it up to the existence of the soul that comes only for experience. Polarities created by the mind only hinder its own limitlessness. The soul knows it is limitless and endeavours to push the limits of the mind constantly. This is where the experience of ‘fight or flight’ finds itself in constant action, with anxieties caused by the pushing and pulling of the electromagnetics between soul and ego attempting to make daily choices based on feel…either loving or fearful. Polarised choices are usually made from our worries and fears. In most instances, fear is not the best impulse to rely or act upon. A lack of presence and awareness of the greater picture of our challenges in the moment distracts us from our wise inner guidance system that knows what’s best…even if it brings us pain.
As we watch beautifully expressive people get involved with not so beautifully active people, we wonder what they could have done to attract such opposites or horrendous beings into their lives. The soul tells us that no matter how kind, gentle, loving, organised or caring we appear, there is always room to improve….where accuracy or truth have yet to be provided. It also reminds me that opposites never attract…there is always an underlying matching vibration pulling people together.
Today is the evening of Monday 29 February 2016
As I continue this piece of writing, my young son has now been living back with me for one month. He changed his mind the very night that I began this post (a story for another day)…the night before he was due to fly back to NZ to live with his Dad, where I would not get to hold him for another five months. It was a beautiful surprise and a gift from this gorgeous little one that I accepted gratefully. Having my son choose to return to my care after choosing to have an experience away from me was worth more than gold…priceless by all accounts and would not have been possible had I attempted to exercise my ‘Mothers rights’ and control this experience with my fears and emotions. I appreciate that it is not easy to forgo being right or happy to accept that which has a greater human value, however, it is where the true love and well-being resides. You become stronger and more authentically powerful than many could comprehend when you feel into your circumstances rather than follow the voice of a rejected ego. It feels right for my son to be back with me now, just as it felt right for him to be in NZ for a year. Sometimes fighting is the easy option. Surrendering is tough but it bares fruit eventually. Loads of treasures to discover on our Human travels 🙂